Beginning Anew

Today I had some realizations, and I just need to write them down...

The first one: I am still mourning. I have not gotten over leaving my church back in Alabama. I feel like I failed them, that I left them out to dry, only giving 2 weeks notice that i'd be gone . They understood and we had musicians to fill in, but I was one of the principle players. People depended on me. Since I left, there have been big changes... the worship leader took a different job, the childrens minister left, and from the sound of things it's gone from organized chaos to just plain-ol'-everyday-run-of-the-mill chaos.

I realize that my leaving probably didn't change any of that, but the fact that i'm not there to help with the transition is killing me. I know that I would be used there, except that for some reason God has me here. Maybe it's because I would have changed it and I didn't need to.. I don't know. That's part of my problem too. I don't know.

Number 2: I don't know what i'm supposed to be doing here other than my job. I don't know where i'm supposed to get plugged in. I don't know how i'm supposed to handle my finances. I don't know how i'm supposed to fit in this place . I don't know.

Number 3: I don't have time. I don't have time to get out and make friends, I don't have time to play music. I don't really even have a place to play music other than occasionally at church. I am used to playing at least 2 times a week, usually more like 3-4 times a week, and here I feel like i'm in a drought. I have let my skills get weak because I have no goals. I have no reason to practice because I know i'm not playing this week. Is it all excuses? Probably...

Number 4: I'm really good at wallowing in my own self pity. See? I'm doing it now. Watch!

Number 5: The prospect of an uncertain future is torture. I am a structured kind of guy. I like to have a plan, or at least a map that I can make a plan out of. I'm not talking about spiritually here, i'm talking career. I don't know where I will be living in 2 years. I want some stability, but I sure as heck didn't pick a great career path for that did I?

I'm sure there is WAY more than this to my complecies (I think that would be plural of complex, right?) Right now i'm at the point where I know I have to turn loose of all the STUFF and give it to God, but I just can't . I want control, I need some dominion over my own fate.. but I know that I can't have it, because no matter what... God is in control. I just have to let go of the wheel and quit fighting him on it.

This post brought to you by: the words "self pity", the inablity to relinquish control and the letter "I" (because of heavy usage in this post).